a little like Alice in Wonderland;

Seeing you today made me realize how much I’ve missed your company… Sigh

At least I know that even though I dislike you like truckloads, I would never be so childish or stoop so low just to make you feel bad about yourself. I guess some people just have no morals after all. I’m glad I’m not like you.

It’s amazing how we’re powerless, completely at the mercy of time, and how time is the engine of change. I’ve made mistakes and regrets so many and too often I’d wish I could go back in time to undo my silly decision/action or actually DO something to change the course of the way things went. I guess many of us do. That’s really what I hate about time - that it leaves you with even tougher second chances in life. Then again, what I appreciate most about it is that Time never lets you remember everything in life. Which all the more to say, there should be even more reason to appreciate each and every single happy/beautiful moment encountered, and just to bask in that ever sweet feeling of satisfying your soul while that precious moment lasts. And well for the bad memories, needless to say, it all gets erased away :)

Never did I ever think that time would be such a miracle healer in the sense that things that we push out of our minds and hearts after a while involuntarily gets washed away, like it doesn’t even matter anymore. I guess while we try to protect ourselves after getting destroyed and hurt from deep within, time plays a huge role in assisting in that area. And suddenly when you look back, even when you force yourself to remember what you once tried so hard to forget, it becomes impossible to recall. You just completely forget, and it becomes immensely difficult to form links between your feelings and your memories. I guess that’s the best part of it all. I finally do believe when they say time heals. Of course now, with time, you forget :) And you forget to make space for new things. I guess life is exciting this way.

And yes I’m gonna wait. Because the best things in life doesn’t come easy. And I’m not gonna settle. Im gonna be patient and wait, because I believe with every part of me and my soul.

So to sum up 2012,

1. I’ve finally become of legal age, (forever) 21 :) HAHAHA
2. I was finally able to put an end to the never-ending heartbreaks that kept recurring
3. I learnt to love myself wholeheartedly and hence be truly happy with what I have
4. I think because #3 occurred, I naturally became very optimistic in every circumstance and… I’m always mostly happy!
5. I made a lot of really great friends and became a lot closer to existing friends!
6. Taro, the best damn thing that happened to me this year :) The ultimate blessings of all blessings
7. I LEARNT HOW TO COOK!
8. I discovered River Monsters YAY lolol
9. I fully embraced the life of being single and I do not intend to stray from it 
10. I learnt to make GOOD and rational life decisions :) 

Okay and the list goes on and on but these are the main highlights that I can only remember for now… I hope 2013 will beat this list! I’m sure it will :) I had a most magical countdown with the prettiest of fireworks. Yesss if you know me I am a COMPLETE sucker for pretty lights/lightings/city lights/glittery/shimmerry stuff and fireworks are just a combination of all that so it’s really perfect to me :’) I got pretty emo as I watched the fireworks go booming about in the nightsky that I kinda teared a bit. I guess I was just really happy that I could fully spectate one of the many ways in which life can be just so astoundingly beautiful… and it also reminded me of all the happy moments I had in 2012 that are now just cast in memories. But happy memories will only keep accumulating. They won’t be the same, they won’t evoke the same level of happiness of course, but that’s what makes each happy moment special and unique and I really cannot wait to start a new year creating more amazing memories to keep close to my heart! I’m just excited and game on for anything refreshing, new and spontaneous! Hi 2013 :)

I live to please nobody but myself, when it comes to being me. I really don’t give a damn about what others have to think, be it good or bad. Cos once you’ve learnt to love yourself fully, there really isn’t about anything that would get you down. And anything nasty that comes your way, you take it with a pinch of salt - and just make sure you deal with it in the most rational way possible and not let your emotions/temper overrule reason and be completely MATURE about it ie not go on in a series of firing and ranting and bitching/labeling unnecessarily because of the “heat of the moment”. Yes let’s all cool down before we start complaining so we all clear our heads before making rash impulsive comments and judgment, shall we?

This Christmas, all I really want and hope is to see the people who I truly love and care about being happy. Even if it means putting myself in a situation where my own happiness is compromised, I’d gladly do it without any qualms.

After feeling rather troubled last night, I decided to spend the entire day today doing some quality me-time. So the minute I woke up, I showered, dressed up, and headed to Starbucks @ town with my book and some writing materials. Read about three chapters before I got pretty bored (because it was on the chapter about kids and babies -.- HAHAHAHA a bit irrelevant for now) and decided to do some sketching and writing instead. I know I may not be that talented at drawing, but I really LOVE sketching and doodling around A LOT! Sometimes I really wish I was gifted in that area so I could really make something out of this interest. I sketched a few dress designs, tops, bottoms and ended up sketching wedding dresses too. If only I could design my own clothes! And I realised my style is a lot like Herve Leger. All the bodycon and extremely figure-flaunting designs. I made up a list of What Makes Me Happy too. Oh and a list of my current goals in life and how/what I can do to achieve them as realistically as possible :) Ended the day with my second night jog for the week and couldn’t feel any more refreshed and thankful I spent my day this way. When I was on the way back home from my jog I was surprised by JL who was actually waiting below my block to pass me a jar of candies to cheer me up cos he knew I was going through serious shit these days, which was really really really sweet :’) I’m so glad for friends who care so much!

Thankful that so much has changed over the past few years and I feel like I’ve finally found myself, found a footing and my place in this world and to make the best out of what life throws me.. Though it’s not exactly ideal/perfect, but I have learnt to be somewhat appreciative that life is tough and not easy, because theres something good hidden in everything bad. Always. 

The heart is so deceitful.  Pink’s Try aptly describes how I feel now.

“It didn’t feel like they made a choice, but that the choice made them.” That’s how love should feel like. Nothing else.

The heart has reasons the head knows not of.

I find it really hard to do this. I really do. Never have I ever felt more afraid to try for love, to put myself back in the game. And when things start to get serious and all I panic. I cannot fully let go of the internal struggles and fear I have of brokenheartedness at all. After being independent for so long, learning to make space in your life to fit someone else’s is the scariest thing imaginable. I don’t have that big faith in me to do that… I don’t like the feeling of being vulnerable. I don’t like the feeling of knowing my happiness is controlled by someone else’s actions/decisions/behaviour. I don’t like even more that I CONTROL theirs. Being hurt so many times in the past has just made me so fearful of getting hurt (so much more than I realize) and the fact that I could hurt someone, when I know fully well how getting hurt feels like is just traumatizing as of now… And I hate that I keep hurting you because of my own internal struggles. But at least, I’ve never once kept the truth from you and I’ve always been direct and honest, even though it hasn’t been the best of news each time..

I wish I could take the leap of faith. I thought I had it in me. But somehow I believe even more each day that singlehood is my equilibrium. Of course naturally I yearn that feeling of being in love, of being completely head over heels for someone irrevocably and extraordinarily; of having someone to experience life with, of learning and growing, of giving and sharing, of magic and spark and undeniable chemistry; of having someone who could always be there for me and I could always be there for; of having someone who could bring out the best in me and believes in me and for me to do the same.. Ultimately I guess that’s what I want. I thought it was happening now but no I’m just so afraid as I realized that I’m not ready mentally. Emotionally I am done. I’m over and through with past relationships and any leftover emotions, I am, very much so. I just have to get over this psychological barrier that’s blocking me from letting anyone enter, before I even think of trying again.

I just want to be happy.
And for now I really believe that that comes from within, not from anyone else or from being with someone.
I just want to continue working on myself, trying to be the best of me that I can become, giving my all in every goal I’ve set in life for myself. That’s my priority now. I guess God isn’t done with me yet… Maybe that’s why he hasn’t placed me in a situation or mindset of readiness for the right person, simply because I am still in the process of being refined. I will not rush anything.

Simply because of these 4 words you said to me that made me believe in myself so much more, even if you didn’t realize it :)

I realized that since young till now, I’ve been helplessly conforming to people’s standard stereotype of me as a blur, naive, dependent and damsel-in-distress kinda girl at the most subconscious level, without any attempts to change this portrayal of me, cos I accepted that this is REALLY just who I was. This includes my best friends’ impression of me. And I always make zero attempts to object or argue my way out of it simply because I know it’s true. Even my parents (and somehow it begun with them). That’s how they’ve ALWAYS treated me and raised me up to be, because they BELIEVE I am that way ever since I was born. I don’t know how to accurately depict the whole psychological circumstance that I’m predicting is happening behind the scene, but what I somehow realize is that the fundamental problem to this is really EXACTLY how people perceive the type of person you are and treat you accordingly to THAT type that constrains you so much to become who you truly can be and can become. Well at least for my case. It was only when you said what you thought of me, saw in me, how you’ve seen me grow, pick myself up, and witnessed the strength and potential in me from the side that made me realize I CAN do so much more, and that I am indeed capable of many great things as long as I set my mind to it. You made me believe all that when the closest people to me in my whole life have never ONCE made me feel that way. And I really thank you for that.

I love my parents. I do. But I really find it SO hard to live with them because they are so narrow-minded about EVERYTHING. And their arguments are always irrational and illogical. I guess you wouldn’t really understand till you truly know them. They’re just super, unreasonable at all levels. And besides that I realize that so many of my terribly grave mistakes last time have always been a complete reflection of my mum’s own mistakes that I’ve seen ever since I was young and grew up with. I mean WE ALL HAVE CHOICES. I don’t blame her, yet I am so appalled that I’ve been subconsciously constructing my life by her living example that I chose the same immature choices that she has consistently been doing so which I once hate upon myself. Which makes me a hypocrite!? But at the same time I am so grateful that self-realization has taken place before self-destruction. I may be typing all this cos I just had the worst argument with her last night and I’m SOOO angry because I realized I’ve been really suppressed in MY own growth in my own capabilities simply because of how she’s been containing me in her own IMMENSELY-overprotective prison. Not just in terms of freedom and physical space, but really on a very critical level of EXPRESSION OF THOUGHTS and reasoning, of EXPOSURE to things that are relevant and important. And it’s so hard to get to her because she does not LISTEN or mainly understand what I’m trying to get across to her. And right now being ever more aware and conscious of this, I am making sure that I never fall into that again. And I know better now. So yes. Just feel better after ranting out though I am still frustrated and feeling VERY unjust by her immature actions. VERY. And I’m not even gonna start on my dad. No. I’m not starting.

On the other hand, I’ve got a lot of things to work on for myself this holidays.

Though I’m not exactly going through the most pleasant phase in my life right now, I am just happy that I am constantly learning to be optimistic in the face of negativity. And it is SO cliche for me to say this but, honestly in every downfall, you learn so much more either about life or about yourself. And like it or not, you learn how to love yourself better and happiness becomes so much more easy to grasp. Indeed, I find a reason, well MANY reasons to be happy and smile each day no matter what grievances the day may bring.